plugged

soo...i have a problem. some of you may think its funny but i am genuinely concerned for my well being. people have died from it so it is no laughing matter and although i feel like i am nowhere near that point, i do feel pretty icky and not myself because of it. what is it you ask?...... i cannot poo.

the last one that i can remember was thursday night of last week which is going on more than 4 days now. usually you can seriously set an alarm to my pooing schedule. i can actually plan out my days at work around a poo session.

9am check email
920am check if my reports are here and working
940am internet
10am daily meeting
11am internet
1110am poo
1130am start running protocols

yes i spend 20 minutes on the toilet usually even though my business only lasts about 3. i am pretty sure i have become one of the worlds best pocket tank players thru the countless games played while on the crapper. im damn good. but lately, i havent been playing bc something is wrong. perhaps its because of my diet while in houston which wasn't the healthiest of things...tokyo one buffet, pappadeaux, krn bbq, ice cream and soda pop galore, etc. but damn this sucks. i feel super heavy and theres a constant rumbling in my belly. ive gained nearly 9 lbs in the past 5 days even though i have begun jogging miles and miles everyday(which is boring as hell btw). i have consulted my nutritionist, emily NGGGGG and she helped by diagnosing my exact problem through a document NTR majors use...it is copy/pasted below.


THE POOPIE LIST

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie
This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Gassy Poopie
It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.
Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Corn Poopie
Self-explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie
That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie
It smells so bad your nose burns.
The Surprise Poopie
You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!
The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

i have about 25% of these right now. ghost poopie, clean poopie, gee i wish i could poopie poopie, and pop a vein in your head poopie. now ive tried to go and have felt the urge but just nothing happens. well, actually, lemme correct myself and be more specific, i have gotten one little turdlet on two occassions.
turdlet being the size of about a cluster of 5 raisins (i looked around my office to compare it to something and i have raisins on my desk....i dont want them anymore)...but yea..kinda cute. but nevertheless...frustrating. sunday night i even resorted to taking a laxative but still...nothing. i even chugged a half gallon of the ole faithful gaseous causing chocolate milk and STILL nothing. so im going to try the natural way and fiber load like crazy. i went to the grocery store last night and had only one thing in mind. what will make me pooooo???


this is a very retarded problem to have but then again i am very used to that. i am the king of retarded problems and unfortunate happenings. and although i wish upon a star that my poo will come...i should also be wary of what i wish for and not wish too hard or else ill end up with about 11 of the 16 poopies. the ones i fear the most...spinal tap, and the surprise poopie. so mr poo...wherever you are...if/when you come...please let me know youre the real deal and let the stalls be clear of innocent bystanders before and after i complete my mission. kthx.